


And I Can't Stay Away

by Kanra_chan



Series: Caught In The middle [2]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, As in character but angsty as possible, But he's always cute, Izaya POV, Izaya's thoughts and feelings, M/M, Might wanna reread When You Can't Spell Cliche while you read this, Part two of When You Can't Spell Cliche, Sad, Sort of explains things, cute izaya
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-06 04:57:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11593395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kanra_chan/pseuds/Kanra_chan
Summary: (Spoilers for When You Can't Spell Cliche but I suppose you could read this first too)  Basically Izaya's POV while Shizuo is unconscious. Spoilers, sorry.Important! It'll explain a lot of little things that happened in the earlier story so if you wondered why an event took place or just want some detail on what was really going on in Shizuo's head this will help. :3





	1. To Understand A Flea

**Author's Note:**

> Yup. Three days in a row and you get goodies in the form of story stuff. 
> 
> Well I'm on a writing craze right now so enjoy it while it lasts. I'm working in chapter two already, maybe you'll have another chapter by tomorrow? We'll see.

Izaya hadn’t been expecting this. He wasn’t expecting his big return to Ikebukuro to be met with silence. Wasn’t expecting Shizuo hooked up to a freaky machine. Wasn’t expecting Shinra telling him it was a simulation created to simulate his own death for his worst enemy.

Shinra probably wasn’t expecting the black eye he got either, and at least that made Izaya feel a little better.

He’s sitting in the room containing Shizuo and this...huge, black machine. Where did Shinra ever find time to build this, let alone know what he was doing? He knows Shinra is smart, and there’s a chance that he used Celty for various things by the looks of the nearly all black machine. Still, how was this possible?

Shinra thought he left hours ago, storming out after his best friend told him he’d made a device that allowed his worst enemy to kill him in a game. 

 _‘And what a friend Shinra is! Maybe I’ll get him a mug that says “Hey, thanks for the consideration!"’_ Izaya thinks to himself, bitterly.

His best friend, no, his _only_ friend went and decided it would be just great to create a fun way for Izaya's worst enemy to kill him. In the name of Shizuo's "therapy" even. He's surprised Shinra didn't just strap him to a chair and tell Shizuo to have fun for as little he apparently cares about his other friends feelings.  

He’d snuck in awhile ago, through the open window, and he was currently just sitting against the side of the machine in a dark room with his monster. No one knew he was here, and he intended to keep it that way.

Izaya sighs, frustrated. Two weeks, it had been two weeks since he’d last been in Ikebukuro. Two weeks of boredom, two weeks of refusing certain clients, two weeks of waiting for nothing! He did this for Shizu-chan and yet the ungrateful beast was here in a glorified VR game due to a mad doctor.

“What happened, Shizu-chan? Get so tired of not catching me that you needed a game to practice? Something like that, right?” Izaya laughs, voice low so Shinra and Celty won’t hear. They’ve been asleep for sometime, but still. Better safe than sorry, ne?

“Oh shizu-chan,” He sighs, head thumping gently back against the hospital bed Shizuo resides in. "Why do you need this, huh? Did you even agree, or were you tricked?" He asks an empty room. There's no response, of course. He sighs again.

"Ne. If you were tricked, do me a favor? Find Shinra and beat him him up. I would but..." Izaya trails off. _'But he likes you more. He won't get mad if you do it.'_ Izaya already punched him once, and he's probably already complaining to Celty that he'll never treat Izaya for injuries again.

It's completely silent aside the gentle electric hum of the machine Shizuo is hooked up to, and the calm is comforting. The dark of the even more so. It's warm, too. Shizuo's hospital bed is fancy, one that has a heating pad that's turned on low, and it feels nice against Izaya's back where it rests against the bed. 

It's two in the morning, though, and honestly he's getting sick of sitting on the floor talking to a vegetable. _'No, not a vegetable, Shizu-chan will probably be awake and chasing me again by tomorrow afternoon. How long could it take to beat a game?'_ Izaya thinks. He's almost disappointed by the thought. 

Izaya wills himself to get up, legs cramped and tailbone sore from sitting in the same position for so long. He feels melancholy and tired. It doesn't help that he skipped dinner, thinking earlier he wouldn't be here for very long. Maybe he'll grab something from a 24/7 fastfood place. _'I'd kill for some Chinese.'_

"Bye bye Shizu-chan! Be sure to practise your little _game_ a lot, you'll need it!" He calls on his way out the window, even though he knows Shizuo can't hear him. It doesn't really matter though, it's not like Shizuo listens to him half the time anyway. Izaya talks a lot but not even the man who goes so far as to chase him through an entire city stops to listen.


	2. To Understand A Cellphone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yup. Here we are. Again. Is this four days in a row? Its probably four days in a row. I'm gonna say this is the fourth day in a row. New record!
> 
> This is a bit longer but I'm not sure if they'll stay this length or not. We'll see.

"Shiiiizu-chaaaan!" Izaya calls, hovering over Shizuo's unconscious form. "Shizu-chan wake uuuup!" He calls, right into the blondes ear. Nothing happens, of course.

It's the next day, well, the next night actually, and Izaya was visiting Shizuo on his third day of VR. He didn't want to come, fully expecting Shizuo to have awakened by now. Izaya had spent all day in Ikebukuro, wandering around and observing the thriving city he loves so much!

He'd gotten bored after the first hour. But he'd stayed, waited for a vending machine to come hurtling at him. Sure the dirty was huge, but Shizuo had an excellent nose and Izaya had even stayed in the parts of town he knew would house shady dicks in debt and still _nothing_. So Izaya came to see if his hated monster was still slumbering and, lo and behold! He was. 

"Tch. You're so boring!" Izaya snaps at the unconscious beast. There's no reply, as predicted. _'How boring you are.'_

Izaya starts to take a seat on the edge of the bed, deciding he might as well stay awhile since Shinra and Celty aren't home, when he gets an idea. Smirking, he climbs up onto the bed, onto Shizuo himself, and situates himself in his lap.

It's kind of an odd picture, a grown man sitting on another grown man's lap when said other grown man is unconscious and laying down rather than sitting up. But, Izaya doesn't let it get to him, just wiggles to get comfortable and opens up his phone. The volume is up, making bright little noises as he checks his mail and texts Namie creepy things. Its a new phone, she wont know the number.

"Heh." He loves the little sounds the keys make, that cute little bubble sound. Izaya doesn't notice when Shizuo twitches. Really, he should be doing work, as Shiki has been on his ass about some possible mole in the Yakuza, spying for some overconfident little gang. Of course Shiki doesn't own Izaya but he is paying a lot, as always, and there's no reason to procrastinate such a fun and amusing job. But, while Izaya does love the stupidity of his humans, he can't leave. Shizuo is going to wake up soon and Izaya has to be there when he does. And he will wake up soon, of course he will. He has to. 

"Tch, is it that hard to beat a game?" He asks the zombie he's sitting. "Anyone can do it. Look, I'll show you!" He says, pulling up the app. The games music blares rather loudly in the small room, and he has to adjust the brightness of his screen from where it stings his eyes. A glance at Shizuo and he swears he see's hos face scrunch just slightly. ' _It's probably nothing. People feel like they see the dead move at funeral's even when they know they don't, this is just the same psychological reaction as that.'_

"Heh, here! Angry birds. Everyone, right? I like it because the pigs are stupid, ugly little brutes like you and the birds are clever, cute little things like me! Don't you agree, Shizu-chan?" He asks, expecting no answer and enjoying the sounds of the birds flying onscreen. He'd never tell, but he went to theatre's to see the movie. 

"Mmm..." Shizuo moans, as if giving an answer, just barely under his breath. Izaya hums back, focused on the game.  _'Wait...'_  

"Mm!?" He's glad Shinra and Celty aren't home, or they surely would have heard him. Throwing his phone down on the bed, he shoves himself in front the bartender's face. _'This is it!'_ He grins wide and waits for the beast to wake up, knife in hand. _'Heh, maybe I can convince him I'm a ghost and pretend to haunt him.'_ Izaya thinks with glee. He eagerly waits for Shizuo to open his eyes.

And waits.

And waits some more. Aaaaaand nothing. There's no further reaction from Shizuo in the dark of the room, and it makes Izaya frown with something akin to disappointment. The room feels terribly empty in that moment, void of anyone but Izaya and it's.... _'Not lonely. As if. It's just quiet. It's just too quiet, that's all.'_ The beast doesn't even flinch when Izaya pokes his cheek with his knife a few times. 

"...tch. Of course." He sighs, glaring down at his nemesis. Shizuo never does as he's expected to do, the unpredictable animal. "This is why I hate you-" he starts, when the front door slams, and Shinra's voice floats through.

"I'm getting a little worried, Celty. Its been nearly three days now and no signs of waking up! I tested that machine, the drugs will stop immediately following the eliminatation of character A!" Shinra exclaims. Izaya reacts fast, bragging his phone and rolling off Shizuo in a flash. He's out the window, climbing onto the thick ledge above it by the time Shinra and Celty step into the room and flip the lights on.

"Aah you're probably right, my love! Shizuo will get through this in no time." Shinra chirps. There's some shuffling around, probably checking Shizuo and the machine. He can't quite hear it, but he knows Celty is typing a response in the quiet that follows.

"Ah? What about Orihara-kun?" Shinra asks. Izaya perks up, leaning a bit over his ledge to hear better.

"Hahaha! Well, I probably had it coming. But you're right again, it  _is_ unusual for him to punch someone. He tends to be more discrete and thorough when he wants to hurt someone. Except with Shizuo-kun, of course. Hahaha, I guess I really made him mad!" Shinra laughs, carefree. Izaya scowls, sitting back on his ledge with a silent huff. _'What a friend I have. I should leave...'_

"Ah... I'm sure it's fine, darling. Hey now, I don't like you worrying about other men! First you're worried about Shizuo, now Izaya! Ah! You aren't gonna leave me for one of them are you!? Nooo Celty my love, don't leave me-ACK!" Coughing, followed by the faint sound of fast angry typing. _'What am I waiting for? I really should be going now.'_

"S-sorry my love~ I won't ever doubt you again!" He coughs out, happy. "You should probably leave though, I need to check Shizuo-kuns catheter." The door closes, and Izaya sits and waits for Shinra to finish. Time seems to drag on until finally the door closes a second time. Izaya waits a little longer, until he can faintly hear an Alien documentary playing on the TV and Shinras laughter, likely at Celtys fear. 

Ducking his head in, upside down, Izaya whispers a quick, "Nighty night, Shizu-chan. Come fail to kill me tomorrow, beast." And he's gone, down the fire escape and heading back home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The room feels terribly empty in that moment, void of anyone but Izaya and it's.... 'Not lonely. As if. It's just quiet. Its just too quiet, that's all.'
> 
> I hate that line. Real Izaya wouldn't think that. But real Izaya also wouldn't be in a Shizaya story so there you go. 
> 
> Ahh my peeps are so good to me! Listen up, me and TeamAlphaQ were talking and we decided we should start promoting more Shizaya authors. You know, the ones who really aren't as popular as they should be given how much talent they have to offer. 
> 
> Well for this chapter I'd like to promote GreenEyedCeil. Her current (and first, I believe) Shizaya story is called Izaya's Twilight Zone and it's just super awesome. Like guys it is soooo good. I won't give it away but I'd be very happy for y'all to check it out. :3 And GreeneyedCeil, thanks for your support! If you don't like me promoting you, let me know and I'll take it down. 
> 
> Last thing, some might have noticed I accidentally tagged Shinra/Izaya when I posted the first chapter and I'm sorry. That was a mistake, there is no Shinzaya. :( I know, I'm kinda sad too. Maybe I'll write some. ;)
> 
> Later babies!


	3. To Understand Shinra

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I know I haven't updated in a few days. I got busy. Went bowling for the first time, made a bunch of crafts the next day, and the other days I just didn't feel like writing. Forgive Kanra-chan?

“What are you even doing in there?” Izaya sighs. He’s starting to feel hopeless at this point, with nothing big going on in Ikebukuro that needs his attention and no Shizu-chan to divert it. "Maybe you're just torturing my character?" He asks.

"Maybe you're taking your time and enjoying my pain." He feels like he's talking less and less about the game now, but he doesn't want to consider what else he might be referring to. The room is quiet and dark, as it always is, lit only by the glow of city lights. It reminds him of a hospital room he'd stayed in, with no visitors except one who wanted to kill him. _'I guess Shizu-chan and I do have something in common after all.'_

Then again, who knows who's visited? Sure there are no gifts in the room, or cards, or any signs of life aside the man in the bed but who brings gifts for someone playing a simulation? Sure, things are starting to look down now but it's _not_ like he's in a coma... _'It's not like Shizu-chan may never wake up.'_

Today Shinra cracked and put in a feeding tube, deeming four days enough waiting time. Izaya, of course, only knows this when he notices the bump under Shizuo’s hospital gown. For a moment his sleep deprived brain tells him it’s a small snake, and too tired to think from nights of skipping sleep to visit this beast,  he lifts the gown to see.

What he sees is more of a python than a snake, but the original thing he was looking for ends up being a feeding tube. It’s thin, unlike Shizuo's python, and currently passing a brownish white liquid from a small syringe looking device into his stomach. It’s not a pretty sight, really. The area around the tube is bruised, but not swollen, so at least it seems to have went well.

Izaya slowly lowers the gown to again hide the beast, and pulls the covers up over him for good measure. Then he considers the gentle nature of his actions and rips the covers off of the sleeping man and onto the floor. Staring at them, he doesn't feel guilty. _He doesn't_. In the end, he picks them up, replaces them, and tells himself it's only because Shinra will notice and he'll be discovered. 

Maybe he should be more concerned with not falling asleep on his hated enemy right after said enemy had a feeding tube placed in and would need to be checked on frequently for.. doctor stuff. Or something. Izaya is too tired to think right, deciding to just rest his eyes, head against Shizuo's side, arms crossed under his head, and sitting on the floor like the first time he visited. It feels more comfortable than it probably looks, and he's asleep in no time. 

His dreams are odd, mostly old memories from watching an anime with his sisters when they were still very little. It was when they were 4, when they still loved and looked up to him. Of course this was just because he was the only one around, the only caregiver they knew, and therefore they were simply dependent on him without understanding what kind of person he was. He doesn't think about those times much, not caring what they think of him now. They're just mere humans after all, and he is a God who loves humans and not because they're his little sisters.

The show is Sargent space, and the episode playing is the one where Sargent Space's two lieutenants, two little girls that Mairu and Kururi always mirrored, were captured by a monster that just wanted someone to love him. The monster thought the two little girls would understand him, and kidnapped them in an attempt to win their affections. It was sweet at first, playing games with them and they slowly learn he's just lonely and become friends with him. The monster is killed, however, by Shades, Sargent Space's love interest (think Tuxedo Mask), before the girls can stop him, as they sympathize with the monster at that point. It was kind of a dark episode for a kids show.

His sisters had cried when they watched this, and told their Iza-nii that they'd always love him and not let shades hurt him. It was the first time they ever disliked the classic character Shades, the first time they cared about anything else in the show expect the bad guys getting taken out. Izaya didn't like what they were saying of course, and pretended not to understand. 

He wakes up briefly when someones hand cups his chin and gently moves his head up and away from Shizuo's side. Red eyes blearily stare back into Shinra's brownish grey ones, expecting for a moment to see his sisters. Shinra gives him a smile.

"It's okay." Shinra reassures him, though Izaya isn't sure of what he needs reassuring. "I just need to make sure everything is still in place and you can go back to sleep." His voice is a low whisper, and Izaya really doesn't care that Shinra's seen him. He looks as exhausted as Izaya feels, bags decorating tired eyes and smile forced. The hand under Izaya's chin slides away and his cheek is again resting against the warmth of Shizuo's side. He's asleep again soon, comforted by the lull of a monsters breathing and the soft blanket Shinra places over him before he turns off the lights the leaves the two of them alone.

He isn't sure why Shinra isn't worried, but he doesn't care. He's awake before sunrise, folding the blanket neatly and leaving before Shinra comes to check on them again. He whispers a quick goodbye to Shizuo before he's out the window and gone in the grey of the early morning light. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUPER SHORT I KNOW! But there's a reason for that. Sort of? I didn't have a whole lot for this chapter and I wanna work on the next so MAYBE expect two updates today. Spoontasti I know you probably don't read my story but that python reference was for you :)


	4. To Understand Namie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys~ Another update, yay! So,two things! One, I noticed my kudos are way down with this story compared to my other one. I know a lot of you guys are supporting me and I love you all but I'm wondering if I shouldn't continue this? If it's boring I get it :) 
> 
> And two, THIS IS IMPORTANT IMPORTANT IMPORTANT!  
> Read the notes at the end guys! My writer friend wrote a little tiny bit of Shizaya and IT'S AMAZING!! I'm trying to persuade her to write more! I'll post it in the end notes, for now tho I hope you enjoy! BECAUSE FUCK A DUCK I CAN'T USE GOOGLE DOCS RIGHT NOW AND I LOST MY PROGRESS LIKE THREE TIMES!!

Izaya is on the ledge again. It’s the middle of the afternoon, and he’s soaked through from the rain. He would go in, but the window has been shut and locked so he can’t open it. He feels stupid, sitting here in the rain and letting himself get soaked.

 _‘And for what, Shizu-chan?’_ He wonders, gently swinging a leg back and forth over the ledge without thinking about it.  _‘Why am I visiting a beast?’_

Logically, he should know the answer. He knows everything about himself, he isn’t in denial about anything, and he doesn’t have a head injury. But sometimes people do things without thinking about it, or without reason.

What he’s doing now, though, he’s terrified to consider is from a budding depression. Two weeks, five days, and 17 hours without fighting Shizuo and he’s starting to feel things other than amusement and anticipation and joy.

Sure, he’s been sad before. He’s felt sadness, loneliness, emptiness, but never for too long and certainly not for the better part of three weeks. He’s not stupid, he knows things have been bottling up. He knows that his favorite toy being taken away like this is just a crack in the dam holding back a lot of pain.

He doesn’t want to die, he has too many plans and too much fun to really consider it. He wants to live forever, he wants to feel alive for forever, and having a monster at his heels helps. And now that his stress relief and source of enthrallment is looking more and more like he isn’t okay, more and more like he might not wake up, Izaya is becoming more aware of things usually shoved to the back of his mind.

His sisters never call unless they need something. Namie rushes to leave at the end of each work day. Shinra built a game about killing him. He hasn’t seriously spoke to Dota-chin in 2 years. He hasn’t made any progress in his quest for valhalla. Worse, his humans don’t love him like they should. Worse still, he’s getting older and 23 feels suffocating even if he knows it’s nothing.

The window opens below him, and he drops down onto the fire escape to go in. He’s expecting Shinra, but when Namie rolls her eyes at him he’s surprised enough to pause, only halfway through the window.

“Get inside already." Namie hisses at him, not unlike a bird with ruffled feathers. “Ugh, you're soaking wet. I hope you freeze to death for being stupid enough to stay out there for two hours.”

“Eh? How does Namie-chan know how long I was outside?” He asks, climbing inside and shutting the window finally.

"Because I've  _been_ here since before you have! Kishitani-sensei had me take a look at the chemicals he used to make sure everything's okay. Oh, and to add these," she taps a nail against four new buttons placed on the machine. No, not buttons, monitors. Rage, Fright, Joy, and Depression line up neatly over Shizuo's head. 

The machines has wires now, curling out and attaching themselves to a black helmet now worn by the blonde beast of a bartender. The anger meter is spiking some, flicking upwards just a little bit every few seconds. It's interesting enough that he ignored the cold glare Namie sends him until she speaks up.

"Why are you here? What, can't stand being away from Heiwajima for a few weeks? I thought you'd be happy." She states, arms crossed and passive. _'I did too.'_

"Of course I am! I'm here to **gloat** ~" He purrs.

"Uh-huh. And you feel the need to do this every night?" She asks, and Izaya isn't quick enough to hide from her how wide his eyes go before he catches himself. Neither notice how high Shizuo's anger meter is starting to spike.

"I don't know what Namie-chan is talking abou-"

"Kishitani-sensei told me. You're pathetic." She laughs. "Well, you two have fun. I'm going to go now and tell Sensei I'm done. _Play nice_ with Heiwajima!" And she's walking out the room, heels clicking obnoxiously. Izaya feels angry, he feels almost ashamed too, that she knows. That he himself is still here, that he didn't just leave when the window was locked. 

He can't take this shame and anger, and he knows just who would be a perfect outlet. 

Walking over to a monster, sleeping peacefully with dreams of sugar plums and dead Izaya's dancing through his head, Izaya slaps the beast as hard as he can. He knocks the helmet off, but catches it in his other hand before it hits the ground. He places it back carefully, scowling.

"I hate you, you stupid beast." Shizuo growls a little, like a reply, rage spiked all he way to the middle. Izaya stares down at him, eyes narrowed. 

"Hmm? So you felt that huh?" He asks, voice a low hiss. "Maybe I'll do it again, it's honestly kind of fun-"

"Izaya?" Comes Kadota's voice, and Izaya's head snaps up to see him. "What are you doing here, you're soaking wet!" He's frowning like he cares, but Izaya notices where his eyes are. Where he's dripping water all over Shizuo, the one who _matters._

 _'Where did that come from...?'_ He's startled by the thought, how bitter it sounds in his own head _._

"Oh, I was just leaving." He smiles, bends down quickly next to Shizuo's head and pretends to grab something. "Goodbye you miserable beast." He whispers in Shizuo's ear. 

He stands up smoothly, pretending to pocket something before waving at Dotachin. He's out the window and gone before the man can stop him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT IMPORTANT IMPORTANT IMPORTANT IMPORTANT!!
> 
> MY ANGEL BABY REWROTE A SCENE IN HER OWN STYLE AND IT WAS MARVELOUS! SHE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE SHIZAYA AND SHE WROTE THIS!! AND IT'S EVERYTHING ENJOY:Izaya swung his legs from the building's ledge- would Shizu-Chan cry if he jumped? A grin spread across his features, but for some reason it did not extend as far as usual. Imagining Shizu-Chan waking up and discovering, then breaking down and causing chaos, ah! 
> 
> His heart swelled for a moment, but the elation didn't last. He had been sad before, sure, but this aching feeling seemed stuck no matter what sick thoughts he tried to play out in his head to arouse his amusement. -Fin
> 
> YES YES YES MY BABY!!! SHE'S THE BEST!! If you guys liked that be sure to let me know and I'll try to convince her to write more for us! 
> 
> ALSO, TeamAlphaQ just updated her story The Trouble With Soulmates and voting is still open so if you haven't voted please do so! And remember, if Shizuo gets the collar you guys get a special prize of a new dere type Shizaya!


	5. To Understand A Kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in awhile!

Shizuo is handsome. It's not something he denies, or thinks about, just something he notices after spending so many nights here. He's basically alone with a doll. _'So? I'm always alone,'_ and the thought hurts even though hasn't cared till the past few weeks. He shouldn't care, he has his humans after all.  He has- _had_ Shinra, before, but he's not ready to forgive him when he's been offered no apologies. But above all he has himself and it should be enough. It's always been enough.

Well, that might not be entirely true. People say he's always going to be alone, like it's an insult, and it does make him think about himself. He's always managed fine, in his opinion, and he doesn't care if people think he's mentally ill for his behavior or actions, but is he going to spend his life before Valhalla with no romance? It's not like he needs or wants it, but the thought of no love has brainwashed humans for decades into erratic behavior and sometimes it even grips him with the idea that he's lesser without love.

He's considered this abnormality, that he might be somehow bad because of this, but chalks it up to being a God and observer of humans and therefore has no reason to conform to such things. He is unique, and he's unique because he isn't trying to be and doesn't need to justify his feels or lack thereof. He acts how he likes with little care of others thoughts, and often he hurts his humans in the process. Which is fine, he likes it when they're pushed to extremes. A scared, tearful face screaming how sick he is happens to be what helps him sleep at night. 

Still, there have always been these aspects of humanity, the most pathetic ones, he's wondered about. Romance, for one. He doesn't give it much thought, preferring his own company.  Romance isn't a bad thing, but he doesn't need or want for love, and if he feels lonely he has all the humans in the world to keep him company. He's okay. He alone is enough. 

Shizuo is different. No, the beast might not be a womanizer, let alone someone actively seeking romance, but Izaya has seen him looking at girls. Seen him glancing around hopefully on valentines day, even saw him leave a few cheap little chocolates on a boys desk one year. He looked so hopeful on white day, but when the nerdy little shrimp gave chocolates back to Kasuka instead, and he'd been crushed. 

Izaya finds it funny that he'd merely signed his last name and expected the boy to pick the right Heiwajima. The sweet, pretty younger man or the hot tempered delinquent, which is more likely to give you chocolate? 

"Stupid," He chuckles quietly. The memory is still amusing. It probably always will be. It's funnier when he thinks of his cute little Kouhai. She'd been so interested in Shizuo, who had just started to catch on too, before she met Izaya's secretary and moved right on. Shizuo doesn't seem bitter, but Izaya has watched from afar and seen him sigh in a melancholy way when the she leaves at the end of a work day for a date with Namie. He looked sad when they kissed that one time, too, before he noticed Izaya and rage took over. 

"Ahh, how I miss our chases." It's funny, he misses someone trying to kill him. But that's how it is, ne?

"Have you even kissed anyone?" He asks,suddenly. He's lying on Shizuo's new, bigger bed, stretched out like he owns it. Shinra has upgraded him to one of those beds that shifts and has a semi-massaging mattress to help stop bed sores. It's decidedly more comfortable, but he's turned off the bed for now. The moving was annoying. "I bet you haven't, who'd get that close?" It's like talking to a friend, if he doesn't look at him. It's easy to pretend this is a slumber party and Shizuo is a dear friend. 

"No?" He asks, as if Shizuo answered. "Want me to show you?" He's teasing, of course, but...what if he did? He's heard people in comas know what's going on around them. Though Shizuo is in a false reality, is it possible he can feel things or is at least a little aware of what's going on? Would he wake up with a kiss, like sleeping beasty?

"...Well. It might be worth a try?" He rolls over onto his knees, leans his chest over Shizuo's. His emotion meter isn't doing much, rage spiking just the tiniest bit every few seconds, but it does that a lot. It's basically calm for Shizuo. Shizuo's eyes are closed, as always, and once his face is close enough he closes his own. Their breath mingles, warm in the cold room, and he just barely brushes against the others lips, testing the feeling before going any further.

"You'd better appreciate this..." He murmurs against warm lips, before gently pressing down. He doesn't feel any great rush, but his chest squeezes slightly. It's not his first kiss, but it might be the only one with any hint of meaning, even if it's just to anger someone. It's quiet, still, nothing explodes and no music plays but he's warm like he hasn't been in days. He doesn't let it linger too long, pulling back slowly to see if he's had any effect. His bangs brush Shizuo's cheek, and for a moment he's sure he's dreaming because it can't be. There's no way that golden eyes are staring sleepily back into his own. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHAHAHAHA!! Didn't freaking expect THAT did you? Mwahahaha!


	6. To Understand A Dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...maybe trigger warning here. I don't think it's all that extreme but be cautious anyway!

 "Shizu-chan?" He asks, voice barely more than a whisper. Shizuo blinks, breathes out something like a happy sigh, and smiles. Smiles at him, Izaya. His enemy is smiling at him, clearly still pretty out of it. Izaya laughs, giddy with Shizuo's return.

 _'Finally! I waited so long you stupid-no.'_ He puts a stop to that thought quickly. 

"Caught ya..." Shizuo slurs, eyes unfocused. Izaya is pretty sure he isn't really aware of what's going on- _but_ _fuck_ , he's _awake_. _'Shizu-chan is awake!'_ He pushes himself up from where he's still laying on Shizuo's body, heart pounding and feeling more alive than he has in over three weeks. 

 _'I need to get Shinra.'_ He decides, first. _'And then tomorrow I can try and kill him again~'_ But Shizuo pulls him back down before he can even leave the bed. He slings an arm around his back and another grips Izaya's right wrist a bit too tightly. Its some demented version of a hug, where Shizuo is too drugged to realize he's using too much strength and he's hugging Izaya of all people.

"Shizu-chan, let go! I don't want to play with you right now." He snaps. Shizuo doesn't answer, turning his head to the side and keeping Izaya pinned chest to chest and face to face with him. He glares at something behind Izaya, sparking panic though him and speeding up his already racing heart. He whips his head around to look, expecting an angry Celty or Shinra, maybe even Kadota, but no one is there. Just shadows and random medical machines lined neatly against the walls as always. He takes a deep breath, trying again now to get free. If one of them really did find them like this...

"Shiz-" Lips cut him off, which is so cliche it makes Izaya grimace a bit into the kiss. He supposes it's fair, he technically did force a kiss on Shizuo so maybe it's fair if he gets to do the same. He indulges the beast for a moment, but the sighs against his lips are too annoying and too passionate for him tolerate for long. He's not sure who Shizuo think's he is, but whoever they are he hopes they enjoy movie ready kissing- Disgusting, uncomfortable, and just a little too wet. _'Where does Shizu-chan even think he is?'_

He finally pulls himself back when Shizuo starts to moan, tangling fingers in Shizuo's hair and holding the beast back somewhat. He's persistent, craning his head up for more, lips pursed and eyes half closed. Izaya kind of wishes he could get to his phone, he wants to make this his Christmas card. You know, if he had anyone to send them to who wouldn't throw said card away as soon as they saw his name on it. 

"Shizu-chan, let go now. I have to get Shinra." He feels a little uncomfortable, seeing Shizuo's pupils blown wide. He can only tell because the golden shade seems bright no matter how little light there is, but also because they're so close.

"I'm busy..." Shizuo's not talking to him, instead glaring irritated somewhere behind Izaya. He pulls Izaya back down, which is when he really starts struggling. He can't do much, but with one hand free and gripping the back of Shizuo's head via his bleached hair, he yanks the monsters head to the side and leans to whisper right into Shizuo's ear. 

"Whoever your little drugged up head is telling you I am, I'm not  them! So stop it." Shizuo shivers, like he's said something erotic, grip tightening on his wrist to a painful level and arm crushing down on his back suddenly. He chokes, air rushing out of him at the force and sharp jab of pain coupled with the steadily growing ache in his wrist. He thrashes, knees dragging and sliding over the sheets as he tries to find purchase. 

"Shi-zu...! Please, wake...up!" He gasps, voice rough when he doesn't have enough air. Shizuo let's go of his wrist to suddenly shoot a hand between them. It takes away a bit of pressure on his chest, allowing him to draw in some air, but he's starting to hyperventilate because Shizuo's just grabbed his crotch and not at all gently. It hurts, a crushing grip that makes his eyes water, and if he were a weaker man he might have screamed. 

"Wake up!" His voice is too loud, skittering over panic. _'Let go, let go, let go!'_ He shoves at Shizuo with his free hand. His chest hurts, balls being crushed in a very painful way, and he's too panicked- _he can't_   _fucking_ _breathe_ -

"WAKE UP!" He chokes, voice pitching near a scream from trying to force the words with so little air in his lungs. He digs his knees into the bed hard, and somehow manages to push himself out from under a monsters crushing grip. In the corner of his eye he see's light switch on in the hallway. He crashes to the floor, out of the bed and rolling off to the side.

He scrambles back, in pain and still panicking because he's fully expecting a monster to follow him and finish the job. _'Fuck!'_  Crashing into a cabinet, he knocks it over and the crack of splintering wood does nothing to calm him. Glass shatters, medicine bottles clatter to the floor. Thankfully Shizuo has stopped moving from his place on the bed.

Shinra is the first in the room, in his pajama's and eyes landing first on a panicked Izaya before darting to Shizuo's still form. He's sure he looks a mess, eyes wet, pants out of order, and shaking like a leaf. He pushes himself up, ignoring the glass digging into his palms. They slip over slick blood, smearing the floors as he rights himself and scrambles to the window. He sways, dizzy as he still hasn't begun to breathe properly. Black spots pop before his eyes, and he's lucky he doesn't have to see to undo the latch on the window. 

"Wait!" Shinra yells behind him, but there's no way in hell Izaya is going to stick around. Its unlikely Shinra will be able to figure out what's happened, and Izaya isn't going to tell anyone. Never. He climbs out hastily, but he slips. His foot catches and the jerk of trying to get it free sends him crashing roughly down the fire escape. His head smacks a rail, his ears ring, and then everything goes black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY WAIT BEFORE YOU KILL ME... Go read chapter six of When You Can't Spell Cliché again cause it will hurt even more I promise. Maximum pain, then you can kill me. Cause I deserve it... I'm sorry...
> 
> Also remember today is the last day for voting on my other story The Bachelor, so if you haven't voted and want to you have till midnight!


	7. To Understand A Friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy.

He wakes up at Shinra's mid afternoon the next day. His head hurts, his wrist hurts, his groin hurts- pretty much every part of him is sore and in pain. It takes him a minute to process much else than pain, but once he does he realizes where he is and what happened.

"Ughh..." He groans, lying very still. He's almost tempted to get up and leave, he's already been patched up, but he isn't sure if he has any serious head wounds or possible brain damage yet. Of course, considering he remembers hitting his head and isn't overly dizzy he's likely fine. But why chance it? Shinra walks in, then, anyway so it doesn't matter.

"Ahh... Orihara-kun.Good to see you finally awake." Shinra smiles at him but it's a small, forced smile offering politeness and nothing else. He's probably mad that he keeps sneaking in here, that he ruined a cabinet and scattered dozens of medicines and smeared blood all over the floors. He probably really hates Izaya right now. Something in his chest spikes with ache and he sighs, glancing out at the shut and locked window. _'Wait...'_

"Where's Shizu-chan?" He demands, looking around. He's surprised to see he room isn't in the medical use room he's used to, but rather a fairly normal looking...bedroom? Is he in Shinra and Celty's bedroom? _'No way...'_

"Let's not talk about him right now." Shinra's tone is clipped, not friendly at all and Izaya holds back from cringing. He sits up, arms shaking just slightly from how sore they are. It's probably from the fall, he can feel bruises lining them under his shirt, and fighting so hard to get away from Shizuo the night before.

Shinra moves to the bed and crosses his arms, sighing at Izaya like a child who's disappointed their parent. Shame, or something similar, burns Izaya's neck. He doesn't bother trying to meet Shinra's gaze. He's mad, and guilty, and altogether just doesn't wanna deal with this right now. He doesn't want to deal with anything.

"Orihara-kun?" Shinra asks. Izaya stares at the floor for a minute, blankly. He's sure Shinra is mad about him sneaking in, he's sure he's mad about the cabinet, mad about having to patch him up, mad he had to be moved to his and Celty's bed, mad that he every approached Izaya in middle school-

"Izaya? Hey, are you o-" Shinra is cutoff by Izaya swinging his legs over the side of the bed and standing abruptly. "Fine!" Izaya gasps, a little too loudly.

"I'm fine. What do I owe you?" Shinra almost never uses his first name, and when he does he always add honorifics to keep some verbal distance between them. It's just something Izaya has come to accept. His legs are, thankfully, not all that sore and spotting his coat laying a few he takes a few steps towards it.

Unfortunately he hasn't eaten since yesterday afternoon and his head swims. Being sore, dizzy, and weaker than usual he doesn't remain standing long. Izaya drops to his knees, hands splaying out in front of him to keep from completely crashing to the ground. Shinra sighs behind him.

"You ask what you owe me and then make to leave? Orihara-kun, you should probably lay back down." He reaches down, taking gentle hold of Izaya's arm but he's quickly batted away.

"I'm fine." Izaya repeats. He just wants to leave, get into his own bed and rest, forget about today. Shinra sighs again, harsher and a little frustrated.

"At least let me ask why you ran out of the room earlier?" Shinra asks, moving to sit on the floor beside Izaya. He doesn't answer, he can't, anger, sorrow, and now guilt have been building up over the past three and a half weeks and it's making him choke. _'This is stupid, who cares if he's mad. You're not a child, you don't have to explain yourself to him.'_ Shinra sighs after a few moments when he doesn't answer.

"You've got a lot of little cuts, some deeper ones in both palms, your right needed five stitches, you're bruised everywhere, I have yet to determine if you have any head trauma but we'll test that in a moment, and your groin is lightly bruised. And it doesn't appear to be from hitting it somehow when you fell. Care to explain?" Izaya briefly froze at the mention of his genitalia, which was a little sore now that he thought about it.

"What I do in the bedroom doesn't concern you."

"Uh-huh. And does the bedroom also include my operating room? Where Shizuo-kun is?" Harsh, harsh, harsh, his tone was harsh and biting. "Izaya," Shinra sighed. "What happened?"

"How do you know something happened?" Izaya's voice is steady, he isn't shaking, but he feels like he might as well be with how obviously Shinra sees through him.

"What did Shizuo-kun do, Izaya?" _'Fucking hell...'_ Izaya sighs, mentally. He swears he hears Shizuo sneeze from the other room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be angstier than I meant it to be. 
> 
> I kinda had a really bad night the other day and since have been unable to write much. Some stuff happened with a friend... Whatever. Sorry it's short and cliffhangery but better than nothing right?


	8. To Seriously Understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blaaaah told you I'd update. EVEN THOUGH I FEEL LIKE SHIIIIIIIT BOIIIIIII
> 
> OKAY so I rewrote this. I had Izaya singing in the original but when I wrote it I was half asleep and I just realized how cheesy it was. Anyway here's the fixed version. My laptop is still down.

"Izaya..." Shinra sighs. "Why won't you tell me? You're not shy, so it can't be from an  _enjoyed_  activity. Who-"

"No one!" He just wanted Shinra to shut up. To just leave him to himself as he always had just  _shut up already._ "It's none of your business. Tell me what I owe already so I can leave." "Leave? Oh, no. You're under observation for the next few days." Shinra said, staring down at him with an insincere smile. Izaya laughed, stomach knotting up.

"What, you think you can keep me here? Let me guess, you'll have Celty hold me down with shadows?"

"She's actually not here right now. Aah, how I miss my angel! She's so beautiful, I can't stand not seeing her for two days! I'M COMING MY LOVE!" He yells dramatcially. He doesn't dash towards the door though, just stares calmly at Izaya. "Is what I  _would_ say if I didn't have to babysit you. We'll have so much fun, won't we, Orihara-kun?" Izaya sighs, rolling his eyes. Annoying. Everyone was annoying today. 

"Look. You don't like me, you don't want me here, I don't want to be here, and-"

"What makes you think I don't like you?" Shinra asks, looking genuinely confused. Izaya just gives him a look.

"C'mon. You don't have to pretend." He sighs, running a shaky hand through his hair. 

"I'm not? Why would you think that?"

"You," He starts, frowning. "Aren't you mad at me?" He's aware he sounds like a small child afraid of further disappointing their caretaker, but he can't help it. He's tired, sore, and not in the best mental state so who gives a damn honestly. Shinra pulls his hand away from his head when he starts tug a little too hard at his hair.   

"No? If anything, I'm worried. You're not yourself lately, Izaya. My Celty thinks you're depressed! Which sounds silly, but my darling is usually right about these things. Aah, how I miss her~!" He grins, staring down at a numb Izaya. "Come now, why don't we go have some coffee, hmm? Please don't me restrain you." Izaya gets up, following Shinra silently. They're down the hall, Shinra humming quietly until he stops suddenly. 

"Oh  _no_!" Shinra gasps. It sounds fake, put upon shock not matching his calm expression. "Why I JUST forgot, I need to make a fresh pot! Well that will take some time. You stay here for a bit, 'kay?" Shinra winks at him, gives him a little push into Shizuo's room, and leaves to get coffee. Izaya bets he'll get some with a disgustingly sweet flavor just to screw with him. He sighs and leans gingerly against the doorframe, crossing his sore arms and letting his head rest back. He's lucky he hit the top of his head, closer to his forehead instead of the back of his skull. Lumps in the back were the worst, made it hard to sleep or be comfortable. 

He steps into the room, shivering at the lack of carpet. The floor is cold marble, easy to clean but freezing if yoiu didn't have slippers on. He moves to Shizuo's bed side, and a glace at the emotion meter shows that whatever he's doing, he's sad right now. 

"Me too." He says quietly, sighing and poking at Shizuo's cheek. "Cause I don't have a big dumb oaf trying to murder me. Pitiful me, ne?" He pulls away when Shizuo's head shifts slightly, cheek sliding to rest against Izaya's palm.

"Ugh, disgusting." He hisses, not so much at the contact but how that action would normally be considered affectionate, even if neither of them meant it. He doesn't wipe his hand on his clothes, but he wants to. 

Shizuo doesn't move. He doesn't sit up and scream at Izaya, or throw anything, or make any threatening move. It's still unnerving to be in the same room with him, creepy like  a sibling playing dead. That feeling that they're playing and read to jump up and scare you when you creep too close coupled with the underlying fear that they might be seriously hurt. Izaya usually loves to be afraid, loves the rush of danger when he knows he's agile enough and smart enough to usually get away. 

And that's what makes it fun. That  _usually_ , that chance that he won't get away is so exhilarating he can't help but taunt danger and violence. Which is what Shizuo is, danger and violence. And lack of that excitement was terribly boring. 

"You're such a pain, Shizu-chan." 

"Izaya-kun! It's done, I got the seasonal pumpkin spice and caramel dream! Sounds good, right?" Shinra calls. Izaya sighs heavily, glaring in the direction of the doctor. He straightens up, glancing back over his shoulder at a sleeping Shizuo. His head is stil tilted, drooling a little against the pillow. His emotion meter reads he's still depressed,wherever his mind is telling him he is. 

 "Come back to me, monster." He says quietly. "I need to get proper revenge, ne?" He turns on his heal fast, and misses the way the meter for joy spikes a little at his words. He's off to go drink awful coffee with his stupid friend. Shinra isn't mad,apparently, and he shouldn't have to worry about the doctor prying into his injuries too much.  Knowing this takes a weight off his shoulders that he didn't know was there and he feels like he can breathe. 

Well, somewhat. He was still going to be trapped here for who knew how many days alone with Shinra and Shizuo. That makes anxiety, something he rarely feels, spike in his stomach. ' _Joy.'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't really look this over too much... Sorry


	9. To Understand... Baseball?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have sooooommmeeee inspiration back now, ever since the ever so sweet SpiralCreator gifted a fic to me! And others have too in the past few months and I want everyone to know how grateful I am <3
> 
> APPARENTLY I'VE FAILED TO MENTION Sargent Space, Shades, and Yin and Yang were created by me and TeamAlphaQ as a parody of Sailor Moon :) So be looking for hints of Sargent Space in TeamAlphaQ's stories as well! <3

"No, Sargent Space! Please! Don't sacrifice yourself for me!" Cries Shades on screen. Sargent Space merely looks away, eyes wet.

"Sacrifice yourself, Sargent Stupid. You _must_ , it's not like there are any other _glaringly obvious_ solutions." Izaya drawls at the TV. Shizuo snorts in his sleep beside him, drooling onto his pillow.

"Lovely..." He sighs dramatically, scooting away a little. He acts disgusted, but a little voice in his head sounding suspiciously like Namie reminds him he doesn't have to be sitting with the beast and watching TV. He has his own hospitals bed two feet away, after all. 

"There is no other option! If I don't go, he'll kill you!" Sargent Space cries, backing away from Shades. 

"What WHAT? He's not holding a weapon! And your cheesy powers have never been able to kill anyone! Stab him with that fancy staff you're always carrying but never use." Izaya says, in a completely sane way of course, to the television.

"Noooo, Sargent! Can't love find a way?" Shades asks, voice deep and sultry enough to be ridiculous. He's sure his sisters would be swooning, were they here. 

"Yeah, a way to make me puke." 

Sargent space sobs, and the villain is starting to look annoyed. Izaya feels him. He grabs Sargent by the arm, tugs them away from the ever so manly and dramatic Shades.  _'What a cool name for someone who looks like a glorified bartender.'_ He thinks, cringing. 

"Shut up, all of you! I am taking Sargent Space for myself! We'll make quite the pair, won't we Spacey?"

"I see no other option..." Sargent space mumbles, looking down tearfully. 

"I take it back," Izaya sighs yet again, considering turning the channel. "Now I want him to stab our good hero."

"Wait!" Suddenly, her two side kicks appear. Yay. "You CAN'T take the Sargent as your partner!" Triumphantly yells Yang, the lieutenant of the night.

"They are already married." Elaborates Yin, the lieutenant of the day. 

"T-that was just a prank you two pulled!" Sargent Space gasps, blushing. 

"It's legal, though! You signed the papers!" That's Yang, smirking and holding up a marriage certificate.

"And said 'I do.'" Yin tosses the couple their rings. 

"Ooohhh nooo!" The villain cries. "Darn you, Sargent Space! I'll get you next time!" He cries, running off into the night. The lieutenant's high five each other, and the movie ends with a proper wedding between Sargent Space and Shades. 

"Wait..." Izaya frowns at the TV. "The bad guy was perfectly fine with stealing Sargent Space, enslaving them as forced partner, taking them away from their family, but he crosses the line at doing this to a married woman? THAT'S what stops him? Ugh..." He groans, completely unsatisfied. 

Izaya flips through the channels, until something catches his eye. Men running around in white uniforms, excited cheers, and the loud pop of balls hit by bats. Baseball. 

"Baseball, huh?" He sighs. He flips through some more channels. There are some cartoons on that he'd normally be interested in, but Sargent Space put him in a sour mood. He flipped back to baseball, sliding down further under the covers and being careful not to rip anything out of Shizuo when their sides press together.

It's warm, comforting, and the fresh sheets and light covers feel nice paired with Shizuo's body heat. He shifts him, so that Shizuo is slightly on his side and facing izaya instead of leaning against the bed railing. Izaya smirks to himself a little, because his bed doesn't have railing.  _'If that's so important then why aren't you in your own bed?'_ Thats Namie's voice again.

 _'Shut up.'_ He thinks back to himself.  _'I'm messing with Shizu-chan, that's all.'_

_'Really? When he has no idea what's going on and won't ever be aware any of this happened?'_

_'He'll wake up, he'll get so annoyed he'll wake up just to kill me.'_

_'You know he's never waking up.'_

His breath hitches, teeth gritting. That's not true, Shizuo will wake up! He's not going to lay in this bed forever, no matter what. Izaya won't let this monster be peaceful, he won't let Shizuo live in a fantasy where he gets to brutalize Izaya at will and torment both a fake him and real him. It won't happen. 

And it's this determination that gives him an idea. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is getting... Pretty out of character. :/ Which I hate but at the same time I can't just change his attitude suddenly, can I? I'll work him back up to his old self soon, especially in the next chapter. Suggestions for this are welcome!


	10. To Understand Drugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY. I've been wanting to write this chapter since I wrote Shizuo's side. Gah. Expect it to end a little earlier than the other, the next chapter might be the last.

_'Okay. Ok_ _ay_ _. I can do this.'_ Izaya assures himself. He's currently sitting on Shizuo's chest, fiddling with the helmet attached to his monsters head. He's been examining the machine and all the wires, trying to find labels so he can understand what's what and _not_ further damage Shizuo's pea sized little brain.

It's not going well. And Shizuo must not like it, as his face is creased in a frown. His emotion meter, too, is spiking an odd mixture of anger and depression. Izaya wonders if he's at all aware of what's going on, but it's unlikely. 

"Damn it.... Why couldn't Shinra just label stuff. Or better yet, make an off switch?" He demands under his breath, frowning. Tch, last time Shizuo woke up am Izaya needed to do was kiss him. 

"Aah... I'm not sure I'm up for that again." He mutters, glaring down at his unconscious prey. Originally his idea this time had been to just pull the helmet off, but it seems there are needles inside transferring drugs directly to Shizuo's brain. "What, too _monsterish_ for them to take effect the normal way?" He taunts. No response. 

"Tch... Fine!" He hisses, leaning down and giving Shizuo a quick kiss. Nothing happens. He tries again, and again, and again until he's feeling less like he's waking someone up and more like a hungry chicken. 

 _'Ggh... This is pointless.'_ He thinks, agitated now. It's late, he's sore, why is he so determined to do this  _now?_ He should just climb back into his own bed and forget about this for now. 

 _'What if it's your last chance?'_ That sounds like Mairu this time. He can almost see Kururi nodding along in his head. Is he losing it now? 

"It isn't. Shizuo is fine, he'll wake up soon enough. Isn't that right, monster?" He pats Shizuo's cheeks, smirk wide and eyes promising cruelty. "Cause if you don't, I'll have to take over Ikebukuro! I'll destroy your city, Shizu-chan, so you better wake up and stop me!" He coos, jumping on Shizuo's chest. 

Nothing. Nothing at all. Even though he's gotten reactions from Shizuo before, right now he's the same as before with furrowed eyebrows and troubled frowns. _'Tch! Stupid beast, you never do what's expected.'_

"I hate you!" He hisses, pushing Shizuo's head up so he can shove a tongue in the monsters mouth. It's not pleasant, but he does it until he gets a small groan from Shizuo. It's only after he pulls back that he realizes it was probably discomfort from the knee he has lodged in his stomach. The baseball game blares in the background. 

"Whoopsie daisie..." He laughs, shifting to pull his knee from Shizuo's flesh. He laughs harder when Shizuo moans, fighting to keep himself quiet. Its just so funny, suddenly. Everything is just a big joke and he's going to prove it to this monster. 

He knows he's in a bad state of mind, knows he's manic. His head is spinning and his heart pumping so fast with adrenaline he feels like a rabbit. Shizuo's is too, heart monitor starting to get faster and faster until it's just as quick as his own. They beat together, Izaya's echoing in his ears and Shizuo's though the room. 

"Haha, fuck it!" He laughs, ripping some wires out of Shizuo's little helmet. The helmet starts sparking, suddenly, and his surprised jerk causes some needles to rip through Shizuo's skin. Blood spills out, and the machine makes an angry hiss. "Ahahaha~!"

Luckily, _th_ _at_ gets him his reaction. When Shizuo squeezes his eyes shut and groans rather loudly, he practically squeals with sick joy. Blood trickles down from where the needles were ripped free, and liquid drips from the black helmet onto the bed. It's clear Shizuo is still in la la land, partially hooked to the machine and drugs still pumping somewhat, but the helmet won't come all the way off like he needs it too. 

Shadows leak out when he tugs harder, wrapping around Shizuo's head snugly. They won't break or move when he tugs at them instead, and he considers grabbing a knife. He doubts it will help though. The room smells like blood then, scent reaching his nose, and it makes him stop laughing. He breathes in sharply, breathes in that achingly familiar copper smell, and breathes out to the sight of golden eyes. 

"Hnng..." Shizuo groans, eyes looking unfocused and darting rapidly around the room. His heart monitor is working overtime now. 

"Shizu-chan?" Izaya gasps, heart speeding to a painful level. Shizuo doesn't react, eyes still darting about, until izaya grabs his jaw and forces Shizuo to look at him. 

"When did-" Shizuo's voice just stops, cuts off there. He doesn't try to elaborate, Izaya isn't sure he's even aware he spoke. 

"Shizu-chan listen to me. You've got a lot of drugs in you-"

"Orihara-kun!" Shinra gasps, flipping the light on and rushing in. He immediately notices the sparking wires of the helmet and works to fix them. "I can't believe you!" He hisses, rushing to a cabinet to grab something. Izaya ignores him completely, Shizuo's eyes are starting to focus on his and this is more important.

"Fight it, beast." He commands, grip tightening to emphasize his point. Shizuo stares back at him, almost in awe. 

"He can't!" Shinra snaps, shoving him aside a bit to adjust something on the machine. He grabs Shizuo's hand, pricking a needle full of something into his veins. He pulls a second one out and does the same. Shizuo gives him a wide eyed look, before his eyes droops and start to go unfocused again. His already lax body slumps, too, and Izaya hisses in frustration. 

 “Izaya-kun we can’t force this, he has to get out on his own! I can’t  _believe_  you messed with the controls!” He rushes over to the other side of them and puts another sedative in Shizuo's left arm, to be safe. 

"Fight it!" Izaya insists, almost desperately. 

"Iza... I don't understa-" Shizuo chokes, but his eyes are again starting to lose focus. Izaya shakes him, wishing he'd had more time. 

"Stupid!" He hisses. "You're so useless!" Shizuo doesn't seem to hear him, though, only. "I hate you..."

"Sorry..." the monster breathes, faintly. His eyes slip closed, and Shinra shoves Izaya off Shizuo to mess with the helmet. He slips numbly to the side, sitting back against the railing. Slowly, he starts to chuckle.

" _Heh_. Hehehe!" It builds. Laughter bubbles up from his stomach to his mouth and out into the air to announce his crazy.

"Hahaha! _AHAHAHAHA_!" He laughs still his stomach hurts, laughs till he wants to cry, laughs till Shinra slaps him hard across the face. 

"Stop it!" The doctor hisses, readying another needle. Izaya tries to jerk away but has nowhere to go with the railing behind him. "It's not funny, you might have seriously messed both that machine and Shizuo up! Celty will not be happy if either of the two break, you know?" He demands, arm shaking with trying to hold Izaya's own still.

Izaya wants to speak, but his mind is reeling and he can't breathe. The needle slides into his arm, down down down into his vein and fluid is injected into him. His voice pitches high, something like the very start of a scream and that gets Shinra's attention. 

"Hey, Izaya!" He calls, but Izaya's eyes stay in the needle still buried deep in his flesh. "Hey, breathe. Breathe." He doesn't. He can't.  _'Shizuo apologised. He knew it was me, and he apologized.'_ He can't help but repeat it over and over in his head. 

"Well," Shinra sighs, when Izaya chokes trying to breathe. "I guess you be calm in a minute. Though I don't know why  _you're_ freaking out when  _I'm_ the one who woke up to such a big mess." 

"Why...?" Izaya clears his throat, dragging air in through screaming lungs. He keeps his voice as steady as possible, hides his weakness even if it's hurting him. "Why will I be ca-aalm?" He stuters over his last word a little, coughs to hide it but taht only makes his chest burn. 

"In that needle was Benzodiazepine Flunitrazepam. Mixed with Ambien!" Shinra informs him. "That'll put you riiiiight to sleep, you crazy bastard." Izaya can't help it, he starts laughing again. He tips sideways on the bed, falling down next to Shizuo. The needle slides out of his arm, finally. 

"Hehehe~ How mean, Shinra." He coos against the sheets. 

"Sleep well. I'll be fixing your little mess. Oh, and when you wake up expect to find yourself retrained and in your own bed, oka-?" Shinra cuts off when he sees the sudden panicked look Izaya shoots him. Shinra smiles at him, dark and clearly he's mad for real now. 

 _'Worth it.'_ Izaya thinks, blacking out much the same Shizuo had mere moments ago. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kanra-chan needs some love guys, I feel like no one likes this story anymore! :( You guys still love me, right?


	11. To Understand Shizuo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHH FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY!!
> 
>  
> 
> ARE YOU READYYYYYYYY to read this shit

When he finally wakes up to a splitting headache, he isn't restrained. Maybe Shinra decided it wouldn't be helpful, maybe he just took pity on Izaya, but either way he's relieved. He's on the living room couch, coat folded neatly on the coffee table next to him. His mind is fogged up, head aching. It's light outside, bright and stinging. 

He gets up, wanders around to see if Shinra is around. He isn't, and neither is Celty. There is a note, however, on the kitchen table next to a small bottle of painkillers. 

Dear Orihara-kun! Celty is back! <3 My lovely angel has returned! So we've gone out to dinne r, yay! She's so lovely, so kind! Oh how I've missed her! Please be sure to take ONLY ONE of those pills when you need and they should last at least 3 hours. Shizuo-kun is still sleeping, and if you mess with him again Celty says she'll cut you! You've been asleep for about 12 hours, or at least that's how long you'd slept when we left. You can see yourself out. 

Underneath the note was a little doodle of Celty surrounded by a ridiculous amount of hearts. Izaya huffs a laugh, grabs the pills, and heads off to Shizuo's room. Izaya moves to grab his knife, he left it under Shizuo’s pillow in case the beast woke up, and notices the beast is… blushing? His face is certainly red, and he's grumbling quiet, unintelligible words. 

“Just what are you dreaming about…?” He asks quietly, pinching Shizuo’s red cheek. He does it harder than intended, and Shizuo growls a little in his coma.

Silently, he makes his way out of the room and out of the apartment. It’s a quiet ride home, early morning train filled mostly with businessmen and teenagers dressed up for saturday outings. A few kids, maybe gang members going by how all of them have the same red chain necklaces, glare at him but make no moves. His phone buzzes, and a glace at it reveals his name in a few new Dollars threads.

**Python- Orihara is back, no sign of Heiwajima though! I think he killed him! :o**

**Smokerz- Seriously, anyone want weed?**

**Yumi Gumi- Orihara Izaya, Headless Rider, Shizuo Heiwajima still missing- IS IT ALIENS?**

**Fangurl- Orihara Izaya, Psycho or total cutie?**

**Yumi Gumi- No sign of Ikebukuro’s monster for weeks!**

**Ami- RIP the strongest men in Ikebukuro!**

**Smokerz- Anyone wanna buy some weed?**

He stops scrolling at that point, as the rest is just old news. It’s his stop anyway.

* * *

Once he gets home he mostly lays around, feeling sluggish and tired. Those pills have something odd in them, something that makes him just want to lay in bed all day and forget everything. It isn’t like him, as someone typically buzzing with manic energy always just under the surface. He could scour the internet, see if there might be a cause for this but he knows what he'll find. The symptoms, causes, and remedies for Depression. 

_‘I'm not depressed.’_

He should be out, finding out what’s gone on since he’s been gone. He needs to look up those kids with the red jewelry, needs to get the scoop on recent underground activity, and he lowkey wants to buy some of that weed. Instead he watches cartoons. Okay, he isn’t perfect alright? Even Gods need breaks right?

_‘Breaks aren't days in bed and nights doing the same but with the man you hate.’_

He ignores himself. He’s watching reruns of a children's anime, something about a magical pink haired girl and her friends. It’s cute, and he especially likes the borderline pedophilic villain in the episode. 

_‘You're sick. Well, sicker than usual.’_

Geez, he's insulting himself now. How pathetic. He switches the channel to the news, even though is far more boring and not nearly detailed enough, to play a little lazy catch up. Apparently bodies are being found all around Tokyo, teeth missing, fingertips burned, and different evidence found every time, if any is even left behind.

The only thing left behind that’s the same, aside the burned fingers and missing teeth/hair, of course, is a spray painted symbol. It’s amature, often painted over the victims and therefore distorted. The news anchors are speculating on what it could be, throwing out ideas like a necklace or a goose head. Izaya, however, know’s exactly what it is.

It’s a noose.

He doesn't go see Shizuo that night.

* * *

 The next day passes uneventful, hours blurring into each other and he can't do much of anything all day. He’s still sore but the bruises have faded away and there's no need for the painkillers. He's feeling better, a little more alive and a little less numb. He’d wired Shinra money earlier in the day and called Namie to tell her not to come in to work. He’d gone out and had sushi at Simon’s, bumped into Mikado and teased him about Anri, and managed to get some exercise in a park.

He’s back home now, feeling better and a fresh, hot coffee to keep him warm. August has been surprisingly chilly, and nights of sitting next to Shizuo, who is a human hot water bottle, he finds himself shivering even from the slight breeze of an open window. As night falls it gets colder, obviously, and with just how much the temp drops it makes him wonder if a harsh winter is ahead.

“Winter is coming...” He says out loud, as seriously as he can. _’Heh.’_ He loves Game Of Thrones. The violence, betrayal, drama, that little asshole prince- he loves it, all of it. It presents his humans in an accurate way and puts them in political chaos, his favorite kind! Plus it's a great way to keep his English polished. 

His phone buzzes, but he ignores it in favor of the new strings of information he’s been digging up for a client. Well, more like on. The guy is hardcore into authentic catholic school girls and has paid him to find some churches with weak security. Instead, Izaya has decided to send him one near a police station and tip the cops off. Just for kicks.

He’s too busy to care about whatever notifications are popping up. It could be something exciting but he’d rather screw with the pervert right now. Besides, after this he wants to play around as Kanra.Or he could just use Kanra to pretend to be a real catholic school girl...

He spends the rest of the evening trolling a pervert. 

He doesn't go see Shizuo for the second night in a row.

* * *

 The day after that goes slower, with nothing to do all day until his dollars dedicated phone starts going off. Flipping it open, it turns out that there are quite a few new threads. Over something he never would have imagined. He’d put it back down but… well, it’s not everyday that an entire city loses their shit over an ass.  _‘Ha!’_  A decent ass, admittedly, but an ass nonetheless. He can’t see who’s ass it is, no one is saying, but everyone is going crazy and it’s fairly amusing. He opens up a random public chat.

 

**Yumi Gumi-** _OH LORD! OH LORD! WE’VE BEEN BLESSED WITH...DAT AAAAAASSSSSS!_

**Python-**   _Fuckin homo perverts, man._

**Smokerz-**   _If soap hits the floor is the floor clean or the soap dirty?_

**Catgal-** _Don’t be like that! Maybe he’s got dementia or something! Wasn’t he is a hospital down? :( Poor guy_

**Yumi Gumi-** _DAT ASS FAT ASS MAN ASS <3 <3 <3_

**Fangurl-** _I ship it._

**8ballbaby-** _Ship what?_

**Smokerz-** _Is the S or C silent in “scent.”_

**Fangurl-**   _The ass and Yumi._

 **Kanra-**   _Anyone know who this guy is? :o_

 **Fangurl-**   _All I know is he's downtown Shinjuku, he just got off the train_

 

**8ballbaby-** _I'm there now, he's going inside an apartment building, he's probably a drunkard!_

 

**Yumi Gumi-** _YUS QUEEN_

**8ballbaby-** _XD_

He clicks to a new chat, but it’s mostly just more ass. At one point he see’s a very blurry picture of the man from the front, but all he can tell is that his hair is light and his gown is really much too short. _'Much, much too short.' _

He’s also, judging by the scenery, close to Izaya’s own apartment. He considers going out to see if he can’t find this ass man, deciding eventually that yes, yes he does. Throwing on his coat and making sure he has his knife and a few phones, he leaves his lights on and opens the door.

He comes face to face with one Shizuo Heiwajima. He backs up, retreating fast on instinct and tensing to dodge a punch that never comes. Instead Shizuo just stands there, looking numb and lost, staring at Izaya like he's expecting something. He also happens to match the pictures on Izaya's phone perfectly, and he can't help but notice. 

"Good lord, was it  _your_  ass I've been seeing all over the dollars website?" Izaya asks rather bluntly, gesturing to the thin hospital gown Shizuo has apparently been wearing all the way from Shinra's to Shinjuku. Shizuo reacts much the way he expects, his eyes bulge and hands shoot back to pull the gown closed even though no one is around but Izaya who is in front of him and not behind. 'Idiot.'

"FUCKING HELL! Fuck! No wonder people were taking fucking pictures, damn it! I'll kill Shinra!" Shizuo yells, face red. Izaya can't help the burst of laughter, doubling over with the force. "Damn it! Stop laughing, flea!" 

"I can't!" He gasps out. This is gold, the big string Heiwajima Shizuo walking here with his little bushy on display for the whole city! Izaya doesn't even care that he wasn't there when Shizuo woke up, he's too busy laughing. Even Shizuo must find it a little funny, he's smiling rather warmly at Izaya. 

This is, until his face changes to display anxiety instead. Izaya manages to calm down, after all he can laugh at shizuo all he wants for the rest of both their lives now. He is never going to let this go. Maybe he should start a new nickname for him, maybe something like... Breezy butt? Eh, he'll work on it. 

"Flea, now listen... I, um, I don't know if you know where I've been but-" Izaya cuts him off there, anger rising up and replacing any previous joy. 

"Ah yes.  _Killing_  me, weren't you?" Izaya asks, leaning against his doorframe. Maybe he's a little bitter. "Shinra told me. Couldn't handle the constant failure so you turned to a game, hmm?" For now he won't reveal just how much he knows, considering he was by the beasts side for two weeks. Shizuo might get the wrong idea, after all. 

"You... Listen." Shizuo starts, something awkward and lost radiating off his frame. He's not himself, but who would be after two weeks of... Well Izaya doesn't know what but something about the look in his eyes tells him it wasn't great.

"You were gone for two weeks and I was getting worked up. Figured you were up to something. Hell, you probably were and I just haven't found out. And Shinra had asked me over and-" Shizuo stops there, cutting himself off this time. Izaya takes that as his cue. 

"Yes, yes, I know. Well, how was it? Did you enjoy it? You clearly just woke up, ne? You must be here to do it for real." He was expecting this, in the beginning. Figured Shizuo would wake up within a day or earlier and one over right away to strangle him. He'd been preparing for it, excited somewhat even for their final battle, but now he's just angry and filled with contempt. 

"I'm not." Shizuo answers, brown eyes honest and clear. He doesn't look like the sort of person who'd be in their right mind, wearing nothing but a hospital gown and messy brown/blonde hair matted. But Izaya knows when he's telling the truth, hell he doesn't need to read him at all. Shizuo never lies, he wouldn't start now.

"Then why are you here? I'm busy Shizu-chan." That's a lie, but that's okay. Shizuo is honest, whereas Izaya is not. He never is.

"I just...that is... It was hell, being in that simulation thing." Shizuo sighs, and Izaya straightens up at that. He's expecting him to brag about his victory over Izaya, gorey details about his virtual death. "Nothing made sense, I had weird visions,  _fuck_  I'm pretty sure someone kissed me at one point-" Oh god, he must never know. 

"Do I look like I care? Get to the point, monster. Being around you and your bare ass this long is so annoying it actually  _hurts_." Izaya snaps, watching with fascination at how Shizuo's eyes go wide and haunted for a moment. If possible, when his eyes refocus he looks even more uncertain than before.

"Izaya... Do you hate me?" Shizuo asks him, serious. 

"Obviously." There's no hesitation, no insincerity this time. _'What a stupid question.'_

"I see. That's good." Shizuo doesn't sound so much like himself, looks more like a child who can't understand why a big feral doggie is being mean to them. He crosses his arms, raising an eyebrow at Shizuo questioningly. He doesn't get anything else after a moment, and decides to take lead of the conversation again. _'I can't believe he's finally awake and acting this stupid.'_  Is disappointing, really. 

"Is that what you're here for? To confirm something that you've known for 6 years?" He asks, disappointment lacing his tone. Shizuo hardly seems to notice. 

"8 years flea, you're not 21." Shizuo corrects, almost smiling. Izaya just rolls his eyes at that, huffing. _'I'm forever 21, Shizu-chan.'_ He's getting sick of this, he wants Shizu-chan to either fight him already or go home. This isn't the beast he's used to and its honestly off putting.

"Look Shizu-chan. We can battle if you really want but I'm not doing it in my apartment and I doubt you want even more people staring at your ass. Unless Shizu-chan is into that sort of thing." He drawls, lacing his tone with the usual amount of sarcasm that always makes Shizuo try to choke him. It doesn't seem his attack is very effective, though. 

"No." Shizuo's answers. "I just wanted to say that," He pauses here, taking in a deep breath. There's the letting in his expression, something that says his next words won't be the truth, for once. Shizuo looks to him, eyes trained carefully on him and nothing else. 

"I hate you, and now that I'm back, if you step foot in 'Bukuro after tonight then I'll kill you. Got it?" Typical Shizuo. If it weren't for the detachment of complete numbness obvious in his gaze Izaya would believe him. 

"Of course, Shizu-chan." Izaya sighs, obviously not intending to do what he says. He moves back, closing the door in Shizuo's face and pulling out his phone. The idiot looks dead on his feet and probably needs some pants. Izaya already has the pictures, and he doesn't need anyone noticing the idiot coming out of his apartment sans pants. 

He hears Shizuo cursing outside and makes the logical jump as to what is angering him. "I texted Celty to come pick you up. She's bringing pants." He calls through the door. Shizuo doesn't say anything in response, but he does hear him walking away.

Izaya doesn't watch at the window for the headless rider's arival. He feels numb, closed off. He waited for weeks to see Shizuo, awake anyway, but right now it doesn't really feel like he's actually seen him. He's seen a shell- a ghost, really. It's annoying and depressing and he just...

 _'I really hate you.'_ He thinks, ignoring the heavy weight of nothing sinking in his chest. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aahhh yay! This is finally complete. I had fun writing this,and setting up the third part WHICH IS COMING SOON AAAAHHHHHH yay!! Let me know what you guys think, and tell me if you have any predictions for part three! ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Here we are! A glimpse into my beautiful baby's mind! Now as some or you may know I rarely write in Izaya's POV-
> 
> -nevermind just checked my works xD That's sad, I actually had to go look at how my fics were written and I was wrong. I have two terribly short oneshots in Izaya's POV and my two multi chapter stories (not including When You Can't Spell Cliché or And I Can't Stay Away) switch between Shizuo and Izaya(I think?)
> 
> Well whatever no one cares about those. XD My only really successful works have been When You Can't Spell Cliché and Never Use A Penis Mold For Ice Cream so we'll ignore the less successful and un-continued fics no one likes. I wonder why it still feels like too much Shizuo? Meh. This'll fix that. Enjoy?


End file.
